беты нет, замечания приветствуются
Автор: сурикат бонапарт
Рейтинг: PG
Персонажи: Не Минцзюэ/Мэн Яо
Жанр: slife of life, преслэш, дорама-верс
От автора: гуань (guan) - это вот та штука у них в волосах, не находила более адекватного названия.
Nie Mingjue stifles a yawn and stands up.
"It's late," he says, and Meng Yao snaps his head up, "you should rest. The reposrts can wait till morning."
читать дальшеMeng Yao nods and stands up too. He tidies up both their tables and blows out the lights. "Will Sect Leader Nie let Meng Yao undo his hair?" he asks, bowing; it's a tradition by now, almost every day Meng Yao undoes Nie Mingjue's braids--it's their quiet time; they don't talk about sect business or cultivation world's politics, just... just themselves, and Meng Yao cherishes these moments. He knows Nie Mingjue is terribly, horribly lonely and utterly incapable of making friends, both because of his position and his temper, and Meng Yao wants to--not be his friend, Nie Mingjue would never accept him as a friend--but he wants to be the closest substitute.
Nie Mingjue nods and sets off--Meng Yao almost has to run to match his stride. In his bedroom Nie Mingjue undresses quickly, only keeping his inner robes on, and Meng Yao finds himself wishing for more--he doesn't dare to continue the thought. It's impossible; Meng Yao could list more reasons for why it's impossible than there are stars in the sky, yet he's longing for something he refuses to give a name to.
After folding his clothes Nie Mingjue sits down and takes off his guan, and Meng Yao rolls up his sleeves. He can feel Nie Mingjue watching him through the bronze mirror, so he looks down, avoiding meeting his eyes; Meng Yao undoes the bun carefully and then takes the comb; he works slowly, undoing one braid after another, combing through the wiry locks; Nie Mingjue entertains him with a tale of how he studied in Cloud Recesses years ago. His younger brother is supposed to go there soon, and Nie Mingjue is both worried and proud; for all his tough demeanor he's doting on Nie Huaisang and spoiling him beyond belief. It's a shame Nie Huaisang doesn't appreciate his brother; but he'll understand when he gets older.
It's peaceful; Meng Yao runs his fingers through Nie Mingjue's hair and hides a sigh. A wife should do this--Madam Nie, but Qinghe Nie hasn't had a mistress ever since Nie Huaisang's mother passed away, and Meng Yao knows Nie Mingjue is sought after, but he refuses to even think about getting married. It's bad--for the sect, for it will fall into Nie Huaisang's care eventually, and it won't end good for them; it's good--for Meng Yao who now has unlimited access to Nie Mingjue. Even thinking about Nie Mingjue getting married makes his insides twist; he mustn't be jealous of a mere idea of a potential Madam Nie, yet Meng Yao finds himself hating any woman beside Nie Mingjue in advance.
Finally he's done; he announces it, puts the comb down, and wishes Nie Mingjue a peaceful night, but Nie Mingjue catches his sleeve and meets his eyes. "May I return the favor?" he asks, voice unsure--Meng Yao has never heard him be unsure of anything, and it should be worrying but is so endearing instead. He weights up the options--if he is seen leaving Nie Mingjue's bedroom with his hair undone, it's bound to raise suspision, but he can't find strength to refuse; but he's too slow with his answer, because Nie Mingjue lets him go. "I apologize. I had assumed..." he says, almost too quiet to hear, and Meng Yao swallows and touches his hand with two fingers, ready to run and ready to fall into his arms. It wounds his pride to admit, but he wants, he craves--and he is rewarded when Nie Mingjue gives him a small smile and stands up.
"Sit," he orders, and Meng Yao complies; Nie Mingjue takes off Meng Yao's guan, a small, simple thing, and Meng Yao closes his eyes with a smile. He's the one who's supposed to talk now, but he can't pick a topic--he doesn't have a lot of happy stories to tell, and he doesn't want to talk about work; discussing cultivation theory is also not the best choice.
But then Nie Mingjue beats him to it. "I was asked this week if you accept marriage proposals," he says in a low voice, and Meng Yao opens his eyes. What? "And I realised I don't know. So. What should I answer?"
"Why would anybody want to... Sect Leader Nie, please don't joke on such matters."
"I am not joking. Why are you surprised?" He combs through Meng Yao's hair with a gentleness nobody woud expect from him; Meng Yao's heart sings. "You're smart, hardworking, and handsome. Your accomplishments are admirable, and you are my right hand man--who wouldn't want to marry his daughter to you?" Nie Mingjue tickles his ear with sudden playfulness, and Meng Yao lets out a chuckle; but then he bites his lip, thinking of his words. Nie Mingjue pointedly ignores the biggest issue--but Meng Yao cannot afford to.
"What about my heritage?" He lifts his head and meets Nie Mingjue's eyes through the mirror. "Doesn't it bother them? I know it doesn't bother you personally--but even in Qinghe Nie there are people who can't let it go."
Nie Mingjue's stare hardens. "Who are they?" It's not quite a growl, but Meng Yao warms up inside a little; he doesn't need protection, but it's so nice to know he'd be protected anyway. "Your heritage does not define you. Just because your father is a scumbag doesn't mean you're going to take after him."
That's... not what Meng Yao means, and he's sure Nie Mingjue knows it; is he playing with him? "I meant my mother," it's hard to say out loud; Meng Yao loves his mother, desperately so, but he knows for most people her gentleness and kindness mean nothing at all.
Nie Mingjue's face softens. "She gave me you," he says, and then frowns. "I haven't met her. I don't know what kind of person she was. But judging by how she raised you, she was a good woman--and as for her profession, it's not for me to judge her for it."
Meng Yao is speechless for some time. It's... not what he had expected. Yet, it's what he always hoped to hear, and he looks at Nie Mingjue and smiles. "She was very good," he says.
"I would like to know more about her," Nie Mingjue combs through his hair carefully. "But first--marriage proposals. I would like you to stay here, of course, in the Unclean Realm, but if you decide to leave I won't make you stay against your will. But it'll be a shame--I would prefer you'd stayed by Huaisang's side when I'm gone, to help him through it."
Ah. He's not letting that idea go--they'd already argued about it too many times to count, and yet. "I'm not eager to get married--I would prefer to see you married, first." It's a risk move, but Meng Yao feels very brave right now.
Nie Mingjue grits his teeth. "I have no intention of getting married," he says, "and I thought you'd remember that, with your excellent memory."
"I do remember you saying it, yet I don't remember you ever explaining the reason. I won't force you--I couldn't force you to get married even if I wanted to--but I would like to understand."
Nie Mingjue huffs. "I don't have a lot of time left," he says after a long pause. "Ten, fifteen, twenty years. Compared to an average cultivator's lifespan... I know it will happen, sooner or later, and I can feel... I can feel it approaching, and there's nothing I can do to avoid it. I don't want to get married, because I don't want to leave my wife a widow who can't even remarry, and I don't want to leave my children, if I happen to have any, fatherless orphans. It's bad enough I'll have to leave the sect to Huaisang--he has no interest in it, and he doesn't want the responsibility--but at least I can hope he'll have you by his side, so he won't be alone in all this. And I... I don't want to marry just anybody, but leaving the person I'd love like that--it's even worse."
He stops, and Meng Yao is struck speechless again. He suspected something like that--but to actually hear Nie Mingjue explain his reasoning is worse, and Meng Yao can see in his face how much it pains Nie Mingjue to admit his weakness. He knows about the risk of qi deviation, but to know Nie Mingjue is not just aware that he might die young, but he's actively planning for it--it's unsettling.
Nie Mingjie picks up the comb again. "Are you satisfied with my reasons?"
Meng Yao nods slowly. "My apologies. I didn't think... I am sorry."
"Not your fault," Nie Mingjue puts his hand on Meng Yao's shoulder. "I accepted my fate. But I would be happier knowing you're not alone."
Meng Yao swallows. He has accepted his fate as well--a desire he cannot act on, a lust he shouldn't feel--a bed he'll never wake up in--but Nie Mingjue is so close, his hand so warm even through all the layers of clothes, and Meng Yao is falling. It's always been surreal, these quiet evenings, with Nie Mingjue opening up to him, and Meng Yao feels he owes him a moment of honesty, a secret he's been keeping.
"I am... not interested in women," he says weakly. Meng Yao doesn't judge other people for their preference as a rule, but he isn't so accepting of that aspect of himself; he strongly suspects it's another sign of his twisted upbringing and of all things he had witnessed growing up making him despise the mere thought of lying with women, but he is unable to change it--he tried, but the act itself has been akin to torture even though meant to bring pleasure; yet only thinking of sharing his bed with a man--the man, Meng Yao hates to admit it but the face in his dreams is a recognizable one--makes him hot and aching for a touch.
Nie Mingjue is silent--Meng Yao shifts trying to make himself smaller, squirms away from his hand; he ruined it, now Nie Mingjue will despise him for sure, will never allow Meng Yao undo his hair ever again--but then Nie Mingjue removes his hand and runs his fingers through Meng Yao's hair, so softly, Meng Yao would never have guessed he's capable of being so soft.
"I see," Nie Mingjue says, not moving away, "I should have guessed that. Sorry. I will tell the matchmakers you're not interested--but if you meet a man you will be happy with, first bring him here so I can see he's honorable and won't mistreat you. I want to see you happy and taken care of, and it's not my business is it a man or a woman as long as you are satisfied with your life."
Meng Yao pinches himself discreetly. He's not dreaming. He wants to confess right here and now, wants to tell Nie Mingjue he is that man--but he feels like he used all of his luck for one evening. He already got way more than he ever hoped for; Meng Yao doesn't want to be greedy. He stands up and turns around, and bows deep to Nie Mingjue. There are no words to describe his gratitude, yet he tries--he has never thought Sect Leader Nie would be so kind to him, so accepting--he's not crying but he probably will when he's alone in his room.
Nie Mingjue scoffs and huffs--he doesn't like to be thanked. "Go get some rest," he says instead, "we'll have to go over the budget tomorrow. See if Huaisang's not asleep yet--he'll have to be up early. I don't want him to be the weakest one in Cloud Recesses. Now go--I already kept you here for too long."
Meng Yao bows again and leaves; but he doubts he'll get enough rest. There's just too much he has to think about; but he knows when he falls asleep today he'll see some very good dreams.